Peter Pan

Well I will not grow up! You cannot make me! I will banish you like Tinkerbell.

So yesterday (19. december) I turned the big 1-8. It was fun in one way, went out on the town, and good friends, but I had a little crisis.
Although I have been taking care of myself for quite some time the fact is that now you are supposed to be an adult. I went to the bank to put up a new account and I think I've found a place to move in, If only I could now find a way to earn enough money to survive.

So I had a crisis. I bough me and synnøve a dinosaur egg (that hatches in water), a tamagotchi and synnøve got a a Spiderman Bouncyball =D
I have always heard that I am very mature for my age, but now is the time when everyone expects you to be. It scares me half to death, now my life is my responsibility, and to quote Peter
Pan:
To live would be an awfully big adventure.
And.
To die would be an awfull big adventure.

Christmas Without You

Lately I have had alot of arguments, with both my mum, and biological dad (which made me realize my danish is a bit rusty). I'm so tired, I don't understand how I am supposed to go on when everytime I seem to get my life on track it rails straight back off.
I've decided to go to my grandfather for christmas, then atleast I can see my nan's grave.
I miss her so much. Without her I feel confused. I don't know what to think, feel or react, She was my guide...
This will be a horrible christmas.
Anyways, Synnove's birthday today, I'm currently living at her place and in about 17 min her whole family is coming, strange for me. My birthday will be me and some friends going out.
I also wish my nan could be her when I turn 18, but I carry her ring around my neck so in a way she is there.
I really don't like christmas.

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you
The fireplace keeps burning and my thoughts keep turning
The pages of memories of time spent with you
Old Christmas songs we knew and used to make love to
Make it hard to get used to
Christmas without you

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
I love you I miss you
So sad but so true
Christmas without you
Like a mystery with no clues
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you

I Am The Grinch

I hate christmas, I simply can't stand it.
Not only has every christmas been a reminder of how screwed up my family is, last year I did not live at home. This year seems to be going the same way, and since I obviosly don't seem to have a home at all after I turn 18 on the 19 th of december and my grandmother being dead and all. This should be the worst of them all.

I am the grinch.

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

The Hausfraus.

So lately my ears were pleasantly suprised by some new music.
The people who know me also know that music is this HUGE-MASSIVE part of my life, it is a way for me to disconnect, relax and just enjoy one of the great things life has to offer. The lyrics, the beat, the tone, the voice. All part of this amazing symphony of sound that just make me want to smile while walking down the streets and just forget all about my worries, if even so only for a few minutes.
A couple of guys I would never say that I directly know, but at least know of trough one of my classes, has started their own band with 2 other dudes. I knew at least that Ørjan was quite good at the guitar, but this just blew me away.
I have not been this impressed with music since my first The Fray album.
The Hausfraus have, in my perspective, and unique sense of style that I can't find anything to compare directly to. I find their beat funky in a cool relaxing, but upbeat type of way, the vocals litterally gives me chilles down my spine. All in all, This is for me the type of music I mentioned earlier, the type that you can just sit down with and for once just, feel free.
Even try to sing along, although next to the vocals my voice seems like pure nonsense!
I find myself becoming a fan in the lunatic catagory, because basically, I just
love it.
Then again, What would I know about music? I am only a 17 year old youth...

They do have their own MySpace page and so on.... Check in out.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=232431195
http://www11.nrk.no/urort/Artist/TheHausfraus/default.aspx


Picture from:


http://www12.nrk.no/magasin/upunkt/urort/bilder/2/160581.jpg

Love is all around

That's how the song goes "Love is all around".
I have my doubts.
This is not really how my world, my reality works.
I know I am supposed to have the time of my life being a youth and all. Boyfriends, parties, carefree. Yet, it is not all it is bragged up to be, not for me anyways.
Yes, I go to parties, but boyfriends? Oh my word no! I don't really have the time, with work, family, friends, school and everything, plus the basic fact that I guess I am very conserved and won't really let anyone anywhere near me, "Step away".
I don't get feelings very often and somehow, even without knowing it I always seem to get myself dissapointed.
After everything I've been trough I have the need to refer to another song "Where is the Love?"

Funny Internet

It's is truly amazing all the things you can do thanks to the internet, so there for I must say I disagree with the statement " The internet is for porn".

I found these 2 pages where you can really have a lot of fun ^^

http://www.faceinhole.com/

http://www.yearbookyourself.com/

These are just some of my pictures^^ (I did loads^^)

Birthdays

It seems to me that everyone is having their birthdays lately, friends, neighbors, family, teachers.

Today my sisters went to a birthday party, there where 3 others going on at the same time in our neighborhood. Is t his the Baby-boom-month?

I Don't really get birthdays, celebrate the coming of age is ok, but the rest of it.

I am not even that exited about turning 18 really, what's new then?

I can already get my sinner hands on alcohol, cigarettes, get in to bars and so on, so whats new? I look forward to the day I am 25, thats my goal for getting control of my life again, thats the day I will have started to live my life for sure.

+ I can get on the Danish-boat alone =D

The Ring

I once had a ring stolen during P.E class at Great Marlow Secondary school . In P.E we always had to put all our jewlery into this large Quality Street box, this was mandatory, but when I came back from P.E, it was gone.
Since I was around 11 years old I have been wearing my mothers and biological fathers old wedding rings, of course no longer the one that got stolen, but the one who has my fathers name and their wedding date ingraved on the inside I still wear.
I never take it off, when when I do, just for a split second, there is a deep ring-like crater around my finger of where it sits.
Since I was 11 I have been wearing this ring.
I can't seem to take it off. I find myself addicted to written evidence, written evidence.
I feel helpless and insecure without my ring, and with it I feel kind of stupid. Just about every day people ask me if I am married, and I must admit, sometimes on holiday, I say I am just to get people of me. But usually my answer is "No, I'm not married, this is my parents old wedding ring and I lost one, but I have been wearing this since I was 11". People give me the "Stupid-look", like as if a simple "no" would have been sufficient. It never is. Even when I just say no the questions come, "it looks like a wedding ring", "what kind of ring is it then?".
I find myself addicted to written evidence. Not only the ring with my fathers name ingraved, but other papers.
When my Grandmother died my mum made herself a "Holy-chest" as I call it. A little chest full of her memories, pictures, sick-card, hat, lipstick, including her passport.
My step-grandfather want her passport back because it states in the back that "in case of death, return to state". I refuse this, I've taken it, and unless the state comes knocking on my door and rips it out of my cold, dead hands... they are not getting it.
I feel like everyday she is slipping away, dissapering with time. Her passport is my evidence that she acctually existed to others than my family and I.
The ring is my evidence that I have an acctual father and no unknown one-night-stand.
These things matter to me. They are my evidence. They kind of keep my whole world patched together with silver-tape.
I find myself adiccted to written evidence

Crazy Lady?

Yesterday at work I was kind of put of guard. Suddenly this obviously christian lady told me that she saw Jesus when she was five years old and just went on and on. It came sort of out of nowhere. I was helping her and a friend, "sorry, we are out of rice".
As her friends was getting Ketchup and a fork I said "Excuse me miss, may I help you?" she answered that she was fine and leaned over the counter looking me straight in the eyes "I saw Jesus when I was only five years old."
I was shocked, I acctually nearly started to laugh, as I got a grip I said "Aha, interresting, well, that must have been an incredible experience..."
She looked me further in the eyes and said, "I was at the cabin in the wood with my family when I saw him standing there, smiling at me, I felt like I owned the heavens at that moment"
I was starting to think that this lady had gone absolutely mental! but as a perfectly good employee I smiled at her and said "wow, that must have been nice"
"There is a heaven up there you see, there really is"
I couldn't hold my sarcasm and I blurted out "Jeez, I really hope so, if I'm struggeling trough life for nothing than thats it..!"
She looked at me and said "God is as close to you as I am, you can just sit down and talk to him and he will listen, I know, I can feel it, you should try to read the new testament"
"Maybe I will some day" I continued trying to get away.
As she left she asked me my name, when I said it she smiled at me and started to slowly walk away smiling at me, then she told me her name.
after that she was gone. I found it strange afterward, the only reason I got them as a customer was because my co-worker came and got me in the storage room in a fit and pleaded me to switch cutomers before she went balistic on some rude lady.
I started thinking about my strange experience over the chicken counter when I was on my way home, was this my sign? I know it seems really strange, but with the though of my belief being non-existant and how that has been an issue for me lately, this lady spoke to me as if she knew me.
Or maybe she was just another crazy christian. I guess I'll never know, but it seems strange to me.
But having an experience like this at the age of 5 and the influence it had on her... it must mean something..

Prestekrager (Norwegian)

This is a "poem" I wrote for my grandmothers funural. Prestekrager was our flower. After the seremony the priest asked if she could keep it. I let her.

Prestekrager

Sammen står de,

I både små og store klynger,

og passer på hverandre.

Litt som oss.

Om vi så en liten tid ble revet fra hverandre

fant vi alltid tilbake.

Og prestekragen vokser på nytt.

Elsker.

Elsker ikke.

Elsker.

Prestekragene står der fortsatt

Ikke like flotte i mine øyne

men der er de

og der står de i fred

Bare til å beundre

Og om jeg så en dag ikke ser de lenger

så vet jeg at de er der

I hjertet

og i minnet.

Til minne om vår kjære

Wenche Elisabeth Thon

Skrevet av

Danijela Thon Lane

Labels

http://www.nettby.no/community/news.php?community_id=886548

For those who understand norwegian, this site really provoced me. Why is it that people are always labeled? And why is labeling juat about always negative?

The Nerd, The Emo, The Wannabe, The Fat One, The Anorexic one, The Perv, The Gay, The Vain.

Why not, The Helper, The sweet one, The best friend, The Smart one, The motivator.

Does everybody have to have a label? And what if you don't have a label? Are you..no one?

I don't get this, I probably never will. It just really bothers me how we are everyday judged by tha people around us, by the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we look, the way we act. Everything. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be so much better to not exist. Mostly because it seems like as if you need a label to prove your existance to another human-being, and I don't feel like as if that is right. Like as if the world isn't tough enough I don't want to stroll around wondering what my labels make me and if they are who I am.

I guess the whole consept just confuses me and provoces me at the same time.

Change.

I think I made up my mind, If my father want to come for my 18th birthday and christmas, he is very well welcome to.
I figured that I have spent just about my whole life wishing for a relationship with my father, and now, even after 18 years, that he is reaching out a strange hand, I am not going to push it away and turn my back. I still have my doubts on wheter or not he will acutally come, but surely, this must be a risk worth taking?
I am so confused about the whole scenario, I still don't understand how we are going to make this work, But if he is determined, and I am open, that it is possible.
I also can't help to think of my other siblings on my fathers side. Are they going to grow up like I did because he finally realized that "his love-child" is open minded enough to take him back?
I need him to balance his time to his kids. If he can't be a good father to them, I sure as hell will give it all my effort to make him... Isn't one mistake big enough? Actually, two?
I have another sister, but she resents him and will not speak to him anymore, maybe she in time also will find it to forgive, but never forget? Or maybe not..she's got a new family now, as do I, but in diferent circumstances and at a younger age. The other three under the age of three, I do not know them, and thay are to young to realize the cruelty of the world.
I want to be three again.

Control-Freak.

So today I started to think about my double-moral and how I find it easy to push people away. My mind startet to cross over to another thought. Control.
When I have a bad day, and people can see it, I want them to back off untill I am ready.
When I am in a good mood (which is rarely), I don't want to struggle to keep it there.
When I need to be alone, I expect to be left alone.
When I need silence, I want silence.
The problem is, the people around me are the ones responisble in my head for giving me this. I will never tell them unless it goes to far.
This is stupid! I don't expect people to know, I just need them to. If I speak, I do what everyone tells me I always do, Push them away. But if I don't and get Upset or quitly staring into space, I also push people away.
I just need time.
Does this make me a control-freak? In that case I am so sorry!
Or is it just another sign of my Insecurity?
I started to think about how trapped in the middle of a tornado, you can't really see what is going on, but the people watching can! My Bestfriends always tell me the same things, specially inside this subject, and now, just now, I realized, They are watching my tornado spin out of control and they are telling me what is going on because they can see it so much clearer than I can.
They are my salvation. they are the guide to my serenity.
I know this text is most likely to make me seem like a mental person and probably either push people more away because I most likely frighten them, or make them feel like as if they are walking on egg shells. This is not the true meaning behinf this blog. It's true meaning is to tell my surroundings that I don't mean to! So please, just be patient with me, and eventually you will understand.

Atheist.

I am not sure wheter or not I ever was a believer in god or any higher power.

I am an atheist, which is in way way easy to say, but hard. I envy people who have something to believe in, something to get them trough the rough intesity of life itself.

I don't know what it is that keeps me away from this faith.

I was christened, or baptised if you prefer when I was a baby, and I later chose to get confirmated.

Many youths choose to get confirmated for the money and the other big and small present you get from friends and family. I chose to go trough it on my own personal quest for faith, what it was all about. I went to church, I went to church-camp, I read, I searched and what did I find? nothing. I guess I believe more in science, in history, in what can be proven, and then I heard that where there is doubt, our faith begins to vanish.

And fear rushes in to take its place.

Emotionally Unavailable

Is this me?
My bestfriend told me that this is how I am, I don't give people a chance, once I acctually start to like them I push them away, and if they like me they are going straight in the "forget and move on - file".

I don't open up to people easily, it took me a couple of years before I could tell me best-friends Daniel and Synnøve " I love you". What Synnøve said about this was "That's because we are patient enough with you. We let you open up naturally and let the pieces of your puzzle fit in without force, and so did you with us"

I guess that's just it. I need my time and space. I really can't handle another embarrinsing "I love you moment" after two weeks, they don't know what love is.
Ifidel: I love you
Lane: Ehmm, How sweet, thank you
Infidel: *silence*

I don't think it is because I'm just afraid of getting hurt or afraid of being let down, dissapointed or betrayed. Yes, these are factors involved aswell, but I think it is mostly of putting yourself out there. Danger Zone.Out there where? I like it better Right Here. In My safe Zone.

Rome wasn't buildt in one day

Picture was randomly found a while ago, not sure where.

Where Is The Pride?

I was talking to some friends at a party yesterday and it really got me thinking, and even a little P***** off.
To be honest I am not perfectly satisfied with my apperance, but it's not like i shout it out "oh my pores are huge", "my ancles are wide", "my hair is thin", "my teeth are yellow". I tell my closest ones maybe, but not in a way which is like "poor me, please don't agree, make me feel good!?!?". I have a habit of just nodding my head in agreement when girls stand there and " look at this, fat!" and pulls the bit of skin that is vital for all head-movement under her chin. I sometimes even exagurate, "Oh yes, look at that! Jesus! Are you growing an extra head?"
I would never have taken a face-lift, lipo, Botox, Silicone or anything like that unless it was a neccesity! I am me. I will never change for anyone but me.
And if people go "You're ugly, You're fat, You're Stupid" then I just say:
Yes, and? You telling me isn't going to change it. You are aloud your opinion, but you need to learn when to say it. I don't care how you feel, You can look another way!. It is your choice whether you wish to look at this creature or not.
Your Choice.

If everyone just thought abit more like me...
=P

Depressions

I read on depression.com today about so-called treatment tips. Pills. This was their answer, Anti-depressive pills. I was more expecting " Always look on the bright side of life" and two-three dozen hours of therapy, but no, more like, a nice dinner with a side order og happy-pills and a glass of water.

I personally don't have alot of belief in this, mostly cause all of the side effects and risk around it. If you go on "happy-pills" and forget to take them for a while this can kill you. if you start takinig them you have to slowly get off them when you are done. Anti-depressives, Anti-psykotic, Anti-Life. Can pills cure everything? In take case, give me one for heartaches.

Depression = Pill-addiction?

Overthinking

So now there seems to be a new epidemy and diagnose out there...
overthinking.
Everyone, drop your "how to quit smoking manuals"
now there is an "ho to quit thinking manual"?

http://www.umich.edu/news/Releases/2003/Feb03/r020403c.html

More Afraid Of Life Than Death

I can't help that it sometimes crosses my mind. I have short-time-memory problems, which is an issue enough as it is, but this senario just keeps popping into my mind.

I am standng outside in the middle of the night and looking in through my window, my lights are on inside so I can see everything perfectly.
Then the sun comes up and I can no longer see in because of the sun's reflection on the glass.

Is that my memory?

I have been thinking alot lately about the stories my grandmother used to tell me, and I just now, 4 months after her passing, realised that I no longer will hear those stories, let alone her voice. Is that strange?
I am afraid of the sun blocking my memory aswell as my view into my bedroom. I know what is there, but the details?, and then, what about the times when night-times only introduce a frosted glass? And what about when someone turns off my lights?

I once read that on healtlink that :
living in fear can be the unraveling of unity and a sense of collective purpose.
Living in fear means that we look for endless distractions that may include alcohol, drugs, unwise relationships, and excessive use of entertainment.

And I realised that I have and still am, living in fear, and I am working my way out of it.

Will I forget how along the way?

Crosswords

I once heard that words are one's path to peace and understanding. but can some words just lead on a path to war and destruction?
Words have alot more meaning than a picture, I'm sure of it.
Picture worth a thousand words, Ok, but a word is worth more.
Some words are fake, some are true, some don't match, and some do. It's in the way it is said, the way it's written, the signs around it, who says it and most important, which other words is combined with it.
Words hurt so much more than anything else.
my mum used to tell me to say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" whenever I was picked on. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!
Words may not break my bones but it can truly rip my bloody heart out!
you need to be carefull with words. They can be sharper than a knife, especially from the right tounge.

Two Evils

I'm jelous, there, I said it. Lane is jelous.
I am jelous of how others seem to live their life care-free. Either my life is insane or everybody else's is an illusion.
I am jelous of youth knowing who they are, of "perfect families", of working carefree and just living life. Others seem to live their life by living it, I live my life by surving it, or trying to at least.
Lately I've been working hard at school, too hard at work and harder at life, and I've come to realise the truth of my existance. What goes up...?
Everytime the sun seems to shine on my little island of "mental" for as much as a split second, Katrina, the storm seems to follow.
So either, I can become more of a pessimist than I am so that I can't go up (Which mean no more down), Or ignore everything, 'cause let's face it, what goes up... must come down.
I don't know what's worse though...
Dreading falling asleep caused by your haunting dreams...
Or dreading awakening caused by reality and your whole existance.

The Pictures

I like going to the pictures, but I really don't get the whole consept of it.
People go on dates at the pictures... Why? they can't see eachother, its dark. It is like "Yes, lights off, now she can't se how much I fiddle and how stupid my face looks when I try to give her our first kiss".
And we always dress up, put on nice clothes, make up, everything! Again, why? Nobody can see you! everybody is sitting with their back to you for god's sake!
And then there si the whole "breadhole intake". We drink and drink, and if we don't go to the loo before, you can bet on it than under the film it's "Mamma mia, have to pee again, Why why, do I fill my bladder". I never have to pee under a film when I am lying as a couch-potato at home. At the pictures we have some sort of brain-disease, we act nice, pretend to be at the library and stuff our faces with popcorn, sweets and drink, you end up sitting there nauseas as hell and thinking "Oh my word".
Next time I go to the pictures I will wear some sort of pyjamas, No make-up, hair in a ponytail, hell, I might een bring a blanket and my pillow.
Just like home!

Total Breakdown

My room seems to have alot more that just 4 walls... I am standing in the pitching dark and I seem to keep hitting one after the other.
Where is the door?
My mind is just about everywhere than where it is supposed to be.
Keep thinking about Nan aswell, starting to doubt the whole existance to everything. Questioning everything around me.
Drowning myself in work and school. I need to take break soon.
My six word story, "This is it: Time For Bed"
No Hemingway.
Screaming at the wall.

Shoes

So I've never been a big fashion-follower. I wear what I like and what I think looks good.
Lately there's been a new shoe craze.. just about ever teenager has got pair.
They cost around 25£, are easily destroyed, can't handle water or cold weather. What's the point?
They kind of remind me of this old slipper named "tøfflus" in a norwegian children-christmas-tv-show.
He lived in a shoemakers draw, was very shy and loved parsley.
When I see teenage girls wear these "fashion-crappy" shoes I just keep waiting for them to split "open their mouths" and yell "PARSLEY!! I WANT SOME PARSLEY!".
Where's the bloody shoemaker anyways?

Endings.

I've lost two friends, one to a car accident, and another, suicide. I've lost my grandmother, the greatest loss of all. Still, I'm alive, fighting for my life just like everyone else. When one life ends, does that mean mine does too?
Ofcourse not, it just makes it a little bit harder to continue it.
Not only life ends though, other things ends aswell. Friendships, relationships, families break up contact. Quarrels.
I remember when my Grandmother died, those hours we were with here at her side, by her bed. It seemed like this was the end. It basically felt like an episode of "Days of our lives" and I was waiting for the commercial.
But there is always another show coming up, another episode of something.
It's not over till it's over and that all depends on you. Is there ever a reason good enough to just give it up?
I've nearly given up alot of times but I worked hard to get me to where I am now! And yet there is still more work to be done, But I'll get there.

Every Song Ends... Is That Enough Reason Not To Enjoy The Music?

Lies.

Personally I hate lies, lies hurt, lies can really ruin.
Ruin Relationships, Families, Friendships, Yourself.
Is there really such a thing as a white lie? Can lies EVER be for the better? And If there is such a thing as a "White Lie", Where is the line of a white lie, and a black lie anyway?
If you tell your best-friend that "No, love, that skirt looks gorgeous on you" while you're thinking "Oh My Word, how did your ass grow so big by just being put in a bloody skirt?" to save her feelings while the rest of the room is thinking " Whoever sang that song 'I like big butts' can't be bloody serious!". Is that a white lie? Are you saving her feelings?
How about when your alkoholic grandfather says "No hon, I don't drink much anymore, This is light beer sweetheart", When you even as a 8 year old can smell the alkohol from of him and he is sitting in the rain with sunglasses. Is that a white lie? Saving his grandchild of the dissapointment?
Where does it stop?
I mean a lie is a lie.
The truth is the truth.
Is there ever a Black and White Truth?
"Yeah, your butt is huge, but I hardly noticed!" Can you ever say anything like that?
Either it looks huge or not!
Either it's a lie or it's not.
I mean, yes you can avoid telling the whole truth, but you don't have to replace it with a lie.
"I Only drink light-beer now."

"Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we practise to deceive!"

"If you can’t make them think, make them wonder."

Probably my motto, and a good one too if you ask me ^^

I'm kinda like a rorschach test. People see what they want to see. I am someone different for everyone, and so are people to me. Can really anyone see what is really there? what about the people who made me me? Am I just another Ink Smudge that doesn't really even have a sertain purpose of what to be?

Time will tell. and ofcourse

"If you can’t make them think, make them wonder."

Sex, Sex, Sex...

I couldn't find a picture for this Blog, They all just seemed to, Sexy. And I'm not selling my blog =)
Sex sells, all kinds of sex, from the cutest to the crudest! Herbal essences, Axe Deodorant, Head 'n' Shoulders and varios other types of products, music and films are an example to this. Have you ever asked yourself why sex sells? Because we want it to. We see orgasms in the shower, and we buy Herbal essences! I bet most of you are denying it at this point" I don't buy it for the comercials, blah, blah, blah". Please Shut Up.
Freud once said that - People don't know what they want, they are constantly getting pushed one way or the other by their senses, what they think looks good, smells good. And he's right! When I go out I don't necessarily plan every single second, I go into different shops, maybe stop for lunch, have a drink, which is decided by my senses.
Every day people complain, "sex sells, oh how awfull! this stupid industry!" (then goes out and buys some of the worst products)
If you think this "sex sells" product that the PR- Industry are selling is horrible, then don't buy it, there is always another option! But ask yourself aswell, you are buying something as easy as shampoo, which comercial would you like?
A) Girl with delux messy hair goes into shower, sings Twinkle little star then comes out with shiny.
or
B) The typical Herbal Essences, girl in shower has orgasm, flowers all over, funny neighbore listening and makes a comment.

I would probably go for the B... Just being honest.

But I also thinks the industry has gone too far! I mean, Norwegian Yellow Pages comercials! Jeez, an middleaged couple having a hanky panky time, when the wifes husband comes in and says "can you find the number for a divorce attorney please? and so on.. then all three of them are going to the yellow pages on internet, book and cell-phone.
Ikea comercial? "Come on Gunnar". Yeah, they are funny! but watching a lady get F****d from behind doesn't make me go "Come mum, let's go to Ikea! Lane wants a new table!"
Hello, Wake up!, think logically! Buying the product you hate the Idèa of how they are sold, doesn't help! stay away from it, but within reason, because we also like these commercials, we just need to keep them under control.

What's Good For Me

So lately I've decided to give my life a new turn.

I'm giving up the people who are bad for me. I know it sounds brutal, but I mean, why should I hang with people that only push me down? A real friend would be there at any time and support you. I have my bestfriends, friends, and the fake friends...what do I need them for? Not that we ever get close or anything, but still...sick of it! Bye-bye Bratz!

My Biological dad seem to try to get back into the picture, wheter or not he is rubbish-bin material i'm not sure of yet... I'll figure it out but in the meanwhile I am more confused than ever... and stressed, my mind is not where it is supposed to be! I need to figure out what I want with my life, I've only found a way to start to get there.

I don't expect others to keep me happy, that I do for myself, but the ones that really aren't worth it, no use on keeping them!

When I was younger I had an obsessive collecting hobby, Tin boxes, Stones of all sizes, Pieces of pavement (!), Shells, Stamps, even Chesnuts! for many years they were there, in my draw,acctually, MANY DRAWS! Even Cupboards! just in case...

Well, I'm cleaning up my room now.

Can I Get To You?

I haven't been writing on this blog for very long, but trust me, there is more to come! I May not be an open book, but trust me (again), I have enough pages of things to write about in my mind that my brain might just look like one.
So the big question I am asking you is, the real Ice-Breaker =P , Can I get to you?

Does what I write make any sense to you? Does it make you think twice? Does it even matter?
Anything else I should say my opinion on?

(Or can you trust me?)

Last Piece Of The Puzzle

For 8 years I had never seen my father, and before that one day, years ago, I saw him maybe 3 times. When I met him last summer I had this stupid idèa that, I would find myself. That somehow, that would be tha last pice of the puzzle. I still don't know him, but I don't think that is my problem. "That doesn't come from finding your father, that comes from finding yourself". Still working on that part, but still.
I guess this is kind of saying to other people out there that, you are responsible of yourself. For many years it was easy to blame my Biologocal-father for...me...
My problems never evaporated the way I imagened for a second, but it helped my understand that It doesn't matter where I come from or anything like that to find myself.
The last piece of the puzzle is in me somewhere, the problem now is..where?

Goodbye

Equal Rights (?)

Today I had Social-Ed. at school. I love Social-Ed.!
We were discussing the definition of culture and the difference between norwegian culture and others. After this, we had to "analyse" an article, tell the class what is was about and how we were able to "connect" with it.
My article was about prejudice. The article was based upon an norwegian man that was very overweight, and all the negative attention he got for his extra stones. every stone was worth a thousand comments or so. To give this story a "happy ending", he lost over 10 stones and now lives "a happy life". Couldn't he be happy as an overweight? who's fault is that?
This is where I react. We also got the statistics of some theories that were tested in the U.S. This acctually showed that even though most people though that "fat" individuals looked kinder, they were less likely to succed well in life work-wise. And that If you had a room for rent, you would rather rent it to a couple, than one single person.
And I think, Equal right?
Equal rights is so much more than a male-female controversy. I live in Norway, where equal rights are nearly at it's best, we are pretty much reached the 100 % equal point. Equal rights has been faught for by both women and "negro's" (Hate that word but don't know what else to use), but what about the "less-Pretty" and the overweight? what about those people? They are constantly judged by the way they look and it affects them in just about every-way.

Fight for our rights. Fight for equal rights.
Fight for yourself.

" The most important of life's battles
is the one we fight
daily in the silent chambers
of the soul"


Picture taken from : Google picture search on "Equal rights"

3D And More

So I was thinking today, about once again, who I am?
This question is imbeded in my mind every day and I can't seem to find a way to avoid it. Standing there in the deli-counter at Ultra (the shop I work at) I was looking all over the shop and seeing these custumors, cause that's what they are to me, customers.They come, take what they want, and leave. Makes me feel kind of used aswell =P

No but seriosly, to me they are customers, and to them, I am girl behind the counter with the fake smile and the uniform that lets them believe that I am apart of something. But there is more. I am not just the employe at work that day, I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, a grand-daughter, a student, a friend, a hobby-psykologist. I am everything I am capable of of. But does that define Danijela Lane?
Asking my mother who I am, would she say "she's a daughter"? Asking my sisters, would they say "She's a sister"? But if they said "She is my family, always smiling, smart and easy to talk to". Is that true? Am I Always really smiling? am I always smart? and would everybody say I'm easy to talk to? I dont think so...so who am I?
Am I who my family says I am, who the customers say I am, or who I say I am?
And if I don't know?
Yes, I have an identity problem, Hell, I even have an anxiety problem, I think too much.
"I Think, Therefore I Am"
I have more sides than one, and very few see it. That's the beauty of it asweel. With others I can be whoever I want to be.

I can be the Girl behind the counter with the fake smile and the feeling that I belong to something.

I can be student, the daughter, the sister, the friend.

I am more than 3D, and I choose which side you see.
Eventhough it may not be me.

I Hate You For Making Me Cry

So here is something personal, and I'm not talking about the "I'll give you my dirty little secrets" kind of personal. More the kind of This is what is on my mind. Constantly.
21st of June, just over three months ago today, my beloved grandmother surrendered to the forces of cancer. Something that happens everyday, but yet, to me, so rarely.
My grandmother was all I had considering the fact that my mother and I were going trough a rough spot. It had always been my grandmother, my mother and myself in my family, not very many others involved. Three generations of "Nordbye Girls". Not to complain, we had everything that mattered, eachother.
My family was in a huge quarrel when we learned that my grandmother had gotten lung-cancer, and as if this wasn't bad enough, it spread to the the brain, and then eventually...spine.
We were all watching our beautiful flower slowly, but yet so quickly, dying. Petal by petal falling to the ground, the stem giving in under the weight of the gorgeous flower. The colours fading and blending into the earth where it stood. My Uncle, Step-Grandad, Step-Dad, Mother, Sisters and ofcourse..myself were the unfortunate audience of this tragic fairytale. The last week went very quick, and the last 2-3 days quicker.
I remember my sense of time dissapeering, what seemed like noon could be 7pm, and vica verca... Sleeping awake, and awake while i was sleeping.
The experience itself was wonderful, by the meaning that we were all gathered and we were there by her side, and yet the worst thing ever.
Hearing her lungs gasping for air, and then to a sudden stop, feeling her pulse there one second, and gone the next, and then she died, right there in my arms.
Still, the smell stings my nose, the feel of her pulse beats in my finger and i am constantly counting her breaths and pulse.
1, 2, breath, 1, 2, breath.
She was the closest thing I had to feeling alive.

I hate you for making me cry...but I love you so much more than you could ever imagine, you are my everything, this didn't break my heart...It ripped it out.
What now?

I keep dreaming of her speaking to me, and when I hear her voice I don't seem to understand that I am dreaming, and like an idiot I get up from bed and start looking for her.

"Wake up honey, It's about to time to open your eyes. Come on sweetheart, Wake up"

I'm Aloud Weak Moments

Nearly everytime you or others do something stupid, you ask, or someone asks you "Do you regret?". Being caught in the moment just about everyone says "Yes", but do you really?
Maybe right there and then you do, but later?
I am a firm believer in faith, the fact that everything happens for a reason and gets you to where you are supposed to be in life. A balance. Still everytime someone dissapoints me, I demand the answer that yes, they regret. Most likely just to easy my own mind with the illusion that they didn't mean it, and if they dont regret, I get pissed and hurt like hell.
Everybody has probably heard the saying " what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger". That is ofcourse, if you survive it.
I don't really regret anything at this moment. What I've done and others done to me, got me where I am today. I've learned. I've grown. I think. I evaluate. I Am Me.
Without all of these so called "mistakes", who would I be then?
Yes, not to deny that it might me hell right there and then at that moment, but you get through it, and that's all that matters. Later you will have more wisdom and knowledge than
any textbook, teacher or mentor can ever teach you!

Don't regret a thing, cause if you do, do you really know who you are?

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so love the people who treat you right,
forget the one's who don't,
and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance - take it,
if it changes your life - let it...

The Lost Art Of Keeping Secrets

"Never keep a promise you can't hold"
My view on that statement, can you really hold something you don't have in your hands?
I find it better not to promise anything, but still those two cursed words somehow just pop out alot more than it should. Word Vomit." I Promise".
Either I forget, loose track of time, change my mind or somehow try to squeel myself out of it.
O.k, to talk a little bit positive about myself, I do manage to keep some =)
But lets be realistic, how often is a promise, an acctual promise?
In stead of saying "I promise I will" why not say, "I promise I'll try" much easier.
And what kind of promises do we have?
Vows = Divorce happens!
Contracts (even worse, written promise) = Hello! Laywers do more than send Convicts to prison.
Promise this...Promise that... Promise...Nothing!
It's not only the fact that I suck at keeping promises that makes me write this blog...it's the fact that I've also been let down too many times by yes, broken promises. And yet, everytime someone promises me something big, I am stupid enough to take it for good. Although I know in the back of my wacked out mind, that most likely, I'm the one that ends up dissapointed, broken and once again back in the dark shadow that sorrounds my total existance, It never seems to occur to me unill it's to late.
Maybe I just learned from the best.

My Blog

So as many of you probably already understand my blog is mostly, and probably only, about my view on people and life.
I want people to understand how I feel about different subjects and really get inside my mind. I want people to live their life to the fullest in every single way no matter how hard it is.

Nobody said it would be easy...
But they did say it would be worth it.



Make your picture on:
http://wordle.net/create

Tired Of Covering Up

Constantly people are hiding and covering up who they really are. Exept maybe when you are around your closest friends, but even then, can you really ever show the true you?
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to reveal your darkest secrets to some complete stranger that you might not ever see again, than to the person standing closest to your heart.
Are we all living in constant fear of getting hurt?
Everyday we see our friends, loved ones and people we barely know getting stabbed in the back one way or the other.
A persons look can really decieve! The most popular, gorgeous girl in school can be the most lonely, but yet again, the biggest "nerd" with one or none friends can be the one living the happy life, knowing who his/hers real friends are and living up to the life they were ment to live.
Being a teenager, or a person of any age I believe is difficult beyond anything else we will ever come up against. the constant questions of who you are, who do you want to be, and where are you going are haunting our existance every second of every hour, every single day.

I'm tired of covering up, standing in my own closet filled with skeletons up to my ears, it's getting harder to breath. But will I ever really dare to come out of this "safe zone"?
Will you?


“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them”

Be Younique

Okey, so I am not going to deny that yes, I am sceptical around just about everything! Maybe even a bit afraid of the unknown, but not in a way where I have an urge to put other people down because of it. Or, make another persons life a living hell by pushing my opinions on other individuals.
Gay, Bi, Straigh.
Emo, Label, Gangster, Punk.
Whatever!
People may be different, but that's beautiful and unique, not shameful! People need to make a statement of who they are and what they mean, and that's important!... And to be honest, I am sick and tired of being put down and watching other people being treated the same way.

Live life to the fullest and raise your voice!
It's the only one you've got.

Welcome to Lane's Blog

So, you somehow managed to enter my "Blog". Lucky you! Here I will basically speak my mind, why? because it's my right!
Discuss my topic's however you like. If I offend someone, good. That means I've hit a topic that means something to someone, and that's how this all started! I speak my mind and as must you.
Because it's our right!

P.S
All the pictures on this blog are my creations. Unless I say differently.