Is It Only In My Head?

I am just about terrified right now.

As some of you might already know, I got told some weeks ago that I just might have a tumour located in my brain. Ofcourse this is just a maybe, it could me muscles in my neck who are pushing on my main vein and nerves to my brain, it could be psycological or a variety of different weird medical things.

The problem is that due to the fact that I have had a tumour before, and so has my mum, uncle and grandma they have to check first just to be sure, but ofcourse, they also do check because the chance is there, and higher than with most other people.

The first couple of days I was a wreck, i didn't know what to do with or how to react to the information I was given, And neither did anyone else, or so it seemed.

My family and I took it quite well I think, we all carried fake smiles, showed how we were conserned and then we joked it away, typical our family. Galgen humor in Norwegian.

Telling my friends were the worst part. I had been able to fool myself for so long, saying that "oh you know, whatever happens happens and I will just have to deal with it" *BIG SMILE*, and the worst thing is that I started to believe it myself in the ends, that everything is fine..! and talking about it only made me laugh. My friends faces would go into a total innocent, muscle numbing, shocked, yet "Trying to keep it together" type of face. You could see how they were just standing there and where like "What?". The first question I would get is "You must be joking!" (Idiotic nr 1... why would I joke about that?). And then the second question: Are you alright? (Idiotic nr 2... How would you feel?) To see my closest friends struggle to find the apropriate words was just plain horrible, I had put them in a position that they would rarely experience. So I hurried to say "No words are needed love, It is the way it is, It doesn't have to be that big a deal.. could be some small issue", although this would rarely calm then down for more that 15 seconds. Some tried to make a joke, some stood still and some started talking hysterically, one thing they all did, was hug me.

The hug helped more for them than it did me to be honest.

Tomorrow I will get the results of my MR scan and I am scared to death. This stone face has just cracked under pressure.

The news does not necceserally have to be the worst, but no matter what, It will not be "Good", cause there is something not right.

The picture is one of my MR scan pictures, as you can see it is straight down my face^^

Crosswords

I once heard that words are one's path to peace and understanding. but can some words just lead on a path to war and destruction?
Words have alot more meaning than a picture, I'm sure of it.
Picture worth a thousand words, Ok, but a word is worth more.
Some words are fake, some are true, some don't match, and some do. It's in the way it is said, the way it's written, the signs around it, who says it and most important, which other words is combined with it.
Words hurt so much more than anything else.
my mum used to tell me to say "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" whenever I was picked on. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!
Words may not break my bones but it can truly rip my bloody heart out!
you need to be carefull with words. They can be sharper than a knife, especially from the right tounge.

Endings.

I've lost two friends, one to a car accident, and another, suicide. I've lost my grandmother, the greatest loss of all. Still, I'm alive, fighting for my life just like everyone else. When one life ends, does that mean mine does too?
Ofcourse not, it just makes it a little bit harder to continue it.
Not only life ends though, other things ends aswell. Friendships, relationships, families break up contact. Quarrels.
I remember when my Grandmother died, those hours we were with here at her side, by her bed. It seemed like this was the end. It basically felt like an episode of "Days of our lives" and I was waiting for the commercial.
But there is always another show coming up, another episode of something.
It's not over till it's over and that all depends on you. Is there ever a reason good enough to just give it up?
I've nearly given up alot of times but I worked hard to get me to where I am now! And yet there is still more work to be done, But I'll get there.

Every Song Ends... Is That Enough Reason Not To Enjoy The Music?

Tired Of Covering Up

Constantly people are hiding and covering up who they really are. Exept maybe when you are around your closest friends, but even then, can you really ever show the true you?
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to reveal your darkest secrets to some complete stranger that you might not ever see again, than to the person standing closest to your heart.
Are we all living in constant fear of getting hurt?
Everyday we see our friends, loved ones and people we barely know getting stabbed in the back one way or the other.
A persons look can really decieve! The most popular, gorgeous girl in school can be the most lonely, but yet again, the biggest "nerd" with one or none friends can be the one living the happy life, knowing who his/hers real friends are and living up to the life they were ment to live.
Being a teenager, or a person of any age I believe is difficult beyond anything else we will ever come up against. the constant questions of who you are, who do you want to be, and where are you going are haunting our existance every second of every hour, every single day.

I'm tired of covering up, standing in my own closet filled with skeletons up to my ears, it's getting harder to breath. But will I ever really dare to come out of this "safe zone"?
Will you?


“Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them”