I know you... dont I?

Can you ever really know someone?
I also hate the all to familliar phrase "oh, i know her".
Excuse me... no you dont! this coming from the person I might just talk to in random conversations and we can barly define ourselves as friends. You know my name, and you know "who" I am in the society we live in and the people I hang with.. but you sure as hell dont know me..!
I am talking Beyond the favourite colour, type of music and what makes them smile.
I am talking about really understanding them, knowing them, getting how their brain works.
The human brain only lets you or others around you know what you what to know or want them to know. It doesnt feel like anyone really knows me to the part where they know exactly what I am thinking, how I am going to react, and what I would most like to do. It may not be because I dont let them or dont what them to, or because I am letting them know a different side of me that is not real. Maybe I am completely open. just waiting to be read. but still no one will ever understand. cause they are not me. and they are not you.
I just wish someone could understand though.
Understand me, understand everything about me and understand that they may never know me. Just aknowledge me and who I am for just that.
I wish someone would know me.

The Limit

Everything has a limit.
What I keep wondering is what is the limit to our human existance?
I mean, a car can only go so fast.
A tree can only grow so tall.
And Heat can only get so hot.
But what is our limit?
What is the limit of our age?
what is the limit of the sky?

What is the limit of our pain, joy... existance?

How far can the human mind acctually be pushed untill it just sais "That's it, It's too much, I can't take it anymore"

Does it vary from person to person or is there a limit?
Can one person be pushed there to fast and so it is enough, while another is pushed there slowly and with breaks than helps you calm down and stay withing a certain margin?
And does anything in between matter?
Does it matter when we do something big, or small, or Great. When our lives will come to an end anyways?
Does what I am sitting writing at this very moment make a significant,but small change or matter in my life or someone elses?
These endless questions without and answer.
I Hate it.

The Mess We Are All In

I read a nice quote today, cant remember where, when or exactly how it went, but it was about you and other people. It stated that if you sit down or take a walk or whatever, take a look at the people around and realize.

I am the kind of person that don't really care much for meeting new people or being to close to or around people. I want to study them, know them, analyze them and then help them, but I hate introducing myself or having being forced to talk to random people. Sitting on the train and just talking a nice slow walk down the high street, just because I can and have the time, i always at some part after being able to put a book or my phone away, just sit and observe, i stare at the weather and sky, look at my surroundings and I observe and analyze the people sitting around me or walking past. Their facial expressions, the way they move, eat, drink sit, talk. trying to imagine what kind of lives they lead, what they come home to, if they have a home that is. How they might feel and how their stance and attitude might cover up some deep depression or scaring.

and that is when I realize, just like quote says, that looking at the people around me, they are most likely to have many issues and problems of their own, or have had or will have.

And they are most likely in the same pain, and struggling with them in just the same way as I am.

In a sick way it comferts me aswell as it brings me down. because I dont feel alone anymore.

We are never alone, and as much as I might not like being in contact with these people around me, I want to know everything about them. Yet, some thing are better left unsaid.

Imagine a world where we all carried signs where it said everything.

The mess we are ALL in.. we are all together. like it or not.

Seek and Find..?

Everybody are searching for something, whether it is the small goals for the small things, or the large things. It is all a part of a bigger picture. We search for serenity, personality, strength and joy. Do we ever find it?

When you look yourself in the mirror. What do you see?

Do you see the person you used to be, but somehow neglected on the way?

Do you see the person you want to be, but dont know how to find?

The younger version of yourself, fragile and scared, yet, maybe carefree?

The better or worse version of your self?

Cause I bet that most, no, noone, can look in that mirror and see exactly what the want to see.

Not neccesarily due to how you face and body is assembled, but because there is always something missing.

That person you would most like to see stand behind you, some one lost or yet to find.

That part of you that you feel will never be as great as the one in your rolemodel.

Small but significant parts that you want to be a part of yourself.

I dont believe that anyone is ever in the ecstatic happiness we are all searching for. First of all because it does not exist, and second of all because time doesn't stand still.

With every second that passes, something is happing to either you or someone around you, and it affects YOU.

But if we can find that part of ourselves, that will let us live in the moment, and find joy in almost everything. I think that is as good as it gets.

We are all searching for something, Truth, knowlegde, love, and ultimately.. LIFE.

and it is right there, at the tips of our tongues.

Some are born great.

I am sitting here, looking at back all the people I know and all of my friends around me, and I feel so proud =)
I have lived many places. Oslo, London, Copenhaven, Valdres.., and at every place I have my friends, people I know, and then there are some certain people who stand out. The people that welcomed me in each place, the people I became good friends with, or the the random people I exchanged few words with. Everyone has left one or more imprints on my memory, certain sections of time or certain flashes or pictures that connect me to these people, and many of them don't even know, how much I care, how much they mean to me. Mostly because I dont really let them know. both in protection of myself and for not sounding like an absolute tree hugger in some way just bursting out to someone I see once a year or less "I really care for you, you mean alot to me". If had someone say that to me, out of the blue, I must admit... my nose would have wrinkled more that just a little =P
So as I am sitting here thinking about all of these random and not so random people I know, I feel good. To be able to see these people for a small and maybe insignificant part of their life, or the time where thay are most likely to rise or stand up for themselves or others in a moment of need. Some people are born great, and some are destined to do great things. And although I am one of those who seem to be standing stuck right now, I get to see all of these amazing people grow out of the shadows and change the world.Wheter it is saying no to a bad decision or yes to a good one, or all the mistakes on the way that makes them, them. I get to be a part of that..! in a very.. very small way, But it is awsome =D

Is It Only In My Head?

I am just about terrified right now.

As some of you might already know, I got told some weeks ago that I just might have a tumour located in my brain. Ofcourse this is just a maybe, it could me muscles in my neck who are pushing on my main vein and nerves to my brain, it could be psycological or a variety of different weird medical things.

The problem is that due to the fact that I have had a tumour before, and so has my mum, uncle and grandma they have to check first just to be sure, but ofcourse, they also do check because the chance is there, and higher than with most other people.

The first couple of days I was a wreck, i didn't know what to do with or how to react to the information I was given, And neither did anyone else, or so it seemed.

My family and I took it quite well I think, we all carried fake smiles, showed how we were conserned and then we joked it away, typical our family. Galgen humor in Norwegian.

Telling my friends were the worst part. I had been able to fool myself for so long, saying that "oh you know, whatever happens happens and I will just have to deal with it" *BIG SMILE*, and the worst thing is that I started to believe it myself in the ends, that everything is fine..! and talking about it only made me laugh. My friends faces would go into a total innocent, muscle numbing, shocked, yet "Trying to keep it together" type of face. You could see how they were just standing there and where like "What?". The first question I would get is "You must be joking!" (Idiotic nr 1... why would I joke about that?). And then the second question: Are you alright? (Idiotic nr 2... How would you feel?) To see my closest friends struggle to find the apropriate words was just plain horrible, I had put them in a position that they would rarely experience. So I hurried to say "No words are needed love, It is the way it is, It doesn't have to be that big a deal.. could be some small issue", although this would rarely calm then down for more that 15 seconds. Some tried to make a joke, some stood still and some started talking hysterically, one thing they all did, was hug me.

The hug helped more for them than it did me to be honest.

Tomorrow I will get the results of my MR scan and I am scared to death. This stone face has just cracked under pressure.

The news does not necceserally have to be the worst, but no matter what, It will not be "Good", cause there is something not right.

The picture is one of my MR scan pictures, as you can see it is straight down my face^^

"Healthy selfishness"

Thinking too much about anything, makes me tear every subject into pieces with my mind to be able to scrutinize and bend my mind around every little particle.
My newest "obsession" is "healthy selfish". I will often hear from friends and psykologist and doctors and the media and .. and.. and.. so on, that "Stop thinking about other all the time, what about you? sometimes you need to be have a healthy selfishness."
What is this I wonder? Healthy and selfish in one phrase just seems un-natural to me. Yes I understand what that means, but what if everybody did this? and then it went overbord?!
All we would hear was be "me" and my blog would probably look like this;
"Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me! Me and me? me, me, me, me, me, me, ME!!!!"

The Psycological Selfhelp Charity Bus.

Living in the place I live, without my driverslicense and a car, I end up riding the train and bus ALOT. I don't usually mind it, but lately the commercials are really getting on my last nerve.
Ok, So occationally there is the typical "Fanta" poster inside the bus, but it seems like 90 prosent of the time they are not making everybody on the bus thirsty, they make us guilty.
Every second week or so a new poster covers the walls in the bus. "Help children in africa", "Are you O.K?", "I lost my mum in the war", "feeling Depressed?"... not only these titles but pictures and texts that don't exactly make a person Jolly Happy..! I think the latest one I saw was from The Red Cross or something
"Mummy and Daddy argued alot, you saw I wasn't fine and helped me, I'm Good now. Charlotte 4 years old."
I mean.. *Scream* How does this bus ride to work make me feel good about the life I lead and what I do to Help other. and how does this F***ing bus help me relax on the way home? I'm thinking "poor children i africa and that charlotte girl, Atleast I have my mum, But again I am not O.K either, and maybe I feel depressed and need help too".
The state is complaining on how the population obviously keeps getting more and more psycological problems, and the psyciatrics are filling up. It's the new trend!... wonder why when it is pushed on you!
A person with no serious problems or trauma can be locked into a asylum if the state wants to.
"are you Ok?"
"yes" *Smiling"
"Are you sure?"
"yes"
"are you not the slighthes bit depressed?"
"No? Should I be?"
"So you never feels tired of everything?"
"Well.. yes.. but.. eh"
"Well then you are then?"
"Am I?"
"Are you ok?"
"I don't think so..."

"And we're fine with it"

I was just watching Eddie Izzard, Extremely Funny British comedian ^^ Blimey!

What i reacted to is the truth he came with in a clip called "Cake or Death?!".
He was talking about Hitler, Stalin and other Psyckopatic massmurderers.
Anyways, what he mentioned how different Presidents or Dictators kill people of their own kind.
Hitler killed people all over the world and the whole world reacted! Dictators and other Power-sick people kill hundreds and thousands of people in their own country and the majority of the world is like "oh, ok...", but once they come across the border we go berserk over the media and "omg, are we next?!" (mind this that the fight is in Africa and I live in Norway)
I find it sickening of how our society works... We only care if it is our own life or close to us.
This is not what I consider a citizen of the world anyways...

L-O-V-E...

Love. Strange thing this...Love. I find it confusing and frustrating how Love works.

Love kills, Love hurts, Love destroys... Still, Love is probably the greatest feeling a human can ever feel, or so they say

You're not supposed to love someone if you're like.. under 30... Because it is so called "naive".

I love...

The very few people I care about.

I cant explain how it feels. But it is not naive.

And although I may not really believe in it ouside of the way I fell for the handful of people in my life. it is there. But "i love you" is probably the three words who have been said too much. without real meaning.

Published

Something quite interesting crossed my mind the other day, during year 6 at Foxes Piece Primary School we had this "poetry contest", and I was the lucky winner of getting my poem published..! The problem is I can't remember the name of the book or what the poem was about, something about the forest I think, but how can I be sure?!
Seems like the flippin' book just dissapeared out of my range, of the face of the earth!
Strange how thoughts or memories can suddenly just pop into your head with no warning =)

Something Old, Something New. Something meaningful, What to do?

I know what has been, but I don't know what's coming.
I met my father and sister last week when I was in Denmark, they don't keep in touch with eachother after everything either, so we both met our father after two years together, my sister and I.
Anyways, I spent the night at her place, I hadn't seen her in 10 years, it was strange, she was beautiful, all night I just just sat there, watching her sleep, thinking that this was my smart, beautiful, long lost sister of 14, and that I had a whole new world to explore with her. I was thinking that I have two sisters at home in norway, my new family, she was a part of my old one, but I was never to let her become my old one, she would always be the present one. She gave me this incredible strenght by just existing to me. I love her.
She made me urge even more inte my passion of making a change in my lifetime, doing something meaningful, the only problem is that I don't know where to start or what to do.

Psycological Goals

What really annoys me is the human mind's lack of ability to really ever understand the mind and psycology of another.

Yes we try, we have our experiences and many years of research in textbook answers and thoeries.. but who are to say that these are correct?

It depends on how the message is brought out aswell as how the other person reads tha informasjoen he/she is being given.

Person A has the "come on" theory, the theory of that whatever it is you can get out of it if you want to, that you create you issues alone, maybe even a fake believer of "been there, done that".

Person B is stuck, giving up. To tired to fight anymore and accepts his /hers reality.

What what about the million, gazillion, trillion in the middle?

I am sure that even just today there are aroundt 6.7 billion different typen of minds and people just this minute... how are we to understand them all?

While some have todays goal to be: get that special guy to notice, pass this mathtest, avoid arguments, tell someone you care or tell the boss how you feel. Some have the goal just to survive the day.

This annoys me with the "typical american film view".

Everyday some rich white kid decides that life is not worth it and taker his/hers own life. With their own reason, while some black kid in the streets fights for their life to be better, to be different and ends up being killed.

Who are the typical group of happy people?

What does happy really mean?

Is anyone happy?

I know I am not, especially because of the fact that I don't understand... I really don't...

But I want to.

I Am The Grinch

I hate christmas, I simply can't stand it.
Not only has every christmas been a reminder of how screwed up my family is, last year I did not live at home. This year seems to be going the same way, and since I obviosly don't seem to have a home at all after I turn 18 on the 19 th of december and my grandmother being dead and all. This should be the worst of them all.

I am the grinch.

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Love is all around

That's how the song goes "Love is all around".
I have my doubts.
This is not really how my world, my reality works.
I know I am supposed to have the time of my life being a youth and all. Boyfriends, parties, carefree. Yet, it is not all it is bragged up to be, not for me anyways.
Yes, I go to parties, but boyfriends? Oh my word no! I don't really have the time, with work, family, friends, school and everything, plus the basic fact that I guess I am very conserved and won't really let anyone anywhere near me, "Step away".
I don't get feelings very often and somehow, even without knowing it I always seem to get myself dissapointed.
After everything I've been trough I have the need to refer to another song "Where is the Love?"

Birthdays

It seems to me that everyone is having their birthdays lately, friends, neighbors, family, teachers.

Today my sisters went to a birthday party, there where 3 others going on at the same time in our neighborhood. Is t his the Baby-boom-month?

I Don't really get birthdays, celebrate the coming of age is ok, but the rest of it.

I am not even that exited about turning 18 really, what's new then?

I can already get my sinner hands on alcohol, cigarettes, get in to bars and so on, so whats new? I look forward to the day I am 25, thats my goal for getting control of my life again, thats the day I will have started to live my life for sure.

+ I can get on the Danish-boat alone =D

The Ring

I once had a ring stolen during P.E class at Great Marlow Secondary school . In P.E we always had to put all our jewlery into this large Quality Street box, this was mandatory, but when I came back from P.E, it was gone.
Since I was around 11 years old I have been wearing my mothers and biological fathers old wedding rings, of course no longer the one that got stolen, but the one who has my fathers name and their wedding date ingraved on the inside I still wear.
I never take it off, when when I do, just for a split second, there is a deep ring-like crater around my finger of where it sits.
Since I was 11 I have been wearing this ring.
I can't seem to take it off. I find myself addicted to written evidence, written evidence.
I feel helpless and insecure without my ring, and with it I feel kind of stupid. Just about every day people ask me if I am married, and I must admit, sometimes on holiday, I say I am just to get people of me. But usually my answer is "No, I'm not married, this is my parents old wedding ring and I lost one, but I have been wearing this since I was 11". People give me the "Stupid-look", like as if a simple "no" would have been sufficient. It never is. Even when I just say no the questions come, "it looks like a wedding ring", "what kind of ring is it then?".
I find myself addicted to written evidence. Not only the ring with my fathers name ingraved, but other papers.
When my Grandmother died my mum made herself a "Holy-chest" as I call it. A little chest full of her memories, pictures, sick-card, hat, lipstick, including her passport.
My step-grandfather want her passport back because it states in the back that "in case of death, return to state". I refuse this, I've taken it, and unless the state comes knocking on my door and rips it out of my cold, dead hands... they are not getting it.
I feel like everyday she is slipping away, dissapering with time. Her passport is my evidence that she acctually existed to others than my family and I.
The ring is my evidence that I have an acctual father and no unknown one-night-stand.
These things matter to me. They are my evidence. They kind of keep my whole world patched together with silver-tape.
I find myself adiccted to written evidence

Labels

http://www.nettby.no/community/news.php?community_id=886548

For those who understand norwegian, this site really provoced me. Why is it that people are always labeled? And why is labeling juat about always negative?

The Nerd, The Emo, The Wannabe, The Fat One, The Anorexic one, The Perv, The Gay, The Vain.

Why not, The Helper, The sweet one, The best friend, The Smart one, The motivator.

Does everybody have to have a label? And what if you don't have a label? Are you..no one?

I don't get this, I probably never will. It just really bothers me how we are everyday judged by tha people around us, by the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we look, the way we act. Everything. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be so much better to not exist. Mostly because it seems like as if you need a label to prove your existance to another human-being, and I don't feel like as if that is right. Like as if the world isn't tough enough I don't want to stroll around wondering what my labels make me and if they are who I am.

I guess the whole consept just confuses me and provoces me at the same time.

Where Is The Pride?

I was talking to some friends at a party yesterday and it really got me thinking, and even a little P***** off.
To be honest I am not perfectly satisfied with my apperance, but it's not like i shout it out "oh my pores are huge", "my ancles are wide", "my hair is thin", "my teeth are yellow". I tell my closest ones maybe, but not in a way which is like "poor me, please don't agree, make me feel good!?!?". I have a habit of just nodding my head in agreement when girls stand there and " look at this, fat!" and pulls the bit of skin that is vital for all head-movement under her chin. I sometimes even exagurate, "Oh yes, look at that! Jesus! Are you growing an extra head?"
I would never have taken a face-lift, lipo, Botox, Silicone or anything like that unless it was a neccesity! I am me. I will never change for anyone but me.
And if people go "You're ugly, You're fat, You're Stupid" then I just say:
Yes, and? You telling me isn't going to change it. You are aloud your opinion, but you need to learn when to say it. I don't care how you feel, You can look another way!. It is your choice whether you wish to look at this creature or not.
Your Choice.

If everyone just thought abit more like me...
=P

Depressions

I read on depression.com today about so-called treatment tips. Pills. This was their answer, Anti-depressive pills. I was more expecting " Always look on the bright side of life" and two-three dozen hours of therapy, but no, more like, a nice dinner with a side order og happy-pills and a glass of water.

I personally don't have alot of belief in this, mostly cause all of the side effects and risk around it. If you go on "happy-pills" and forget to take them for a while this can kill you. if you start takinig them you have to slowly get off them when you are done. Anti-depressives, Anti-psykotic, Anti-Life. Can pills cure everything? In take case, give me one for heartaches.

Depression = Pill-addiction?