Is It Only In My Head?

I am just about terrified right now.

As some of you might already know, I got told some weeks ago that I just might have a tumour located in my brain. Ofcourse this is just a maybe, it could me muscles in my neck who are pushing on my main vein and nerves to my brain, it could be psycological or a variety of different weird medical things.

The problem is that due to the fact that I have had a tumour before, and so has my mum, uncle and grandma they have to check first just to be sure, but ofcourse, they also do check because the chance is there, and higher than with most other people.

The first couple of days I was a wreck, i didn't know what to do with or how to react to the information I was given, And neither did anyone else, or so it seemed.

My family and I took it quite well I think, we all carried fake smiles, showed how we were conserned and then we joked it away, typical our family. Galgen humor in Norwegian.

Telling my friends were the worst part. I had been able to fool myself for so long, saying that "oh you know, whatever happens happens and I will just have to deal with it" *BIG SMILE*, and the worst thing is that I started to believe it myself in the ends, that everything is fine..! and talking about it only made me laugh. My friends faces would go into a total innocent, muscle numbing, shocked, yet "Trying to keep it together" type of face. You could see how they were just standing there and where like "What?". The first question I would get is "You must be joking!" (Idiotic nr 1... why would I joke about that?). And then the second question: Are you alright? (Idiotic nr 2... How would you feel?) To see my closest friends struggle to find the apropriate words was just plain horrible, I had put them in a position that they would rarely experience. So I hurried to say "No words are needed love, It is the way it is, It doesn't have to be that big a deal.. could be some small issue", although this would rarely calm then down for more that 15 seconds. Some tried to make a joke, some stood still and some started talking hysterically, one thing they all did, was hug me.

The hug helped more for them than it did me to be honest.

Tomorrow I will get the results of my MR scan and I am scared to death. This stone face has just cracked under pressure.

The news does not necceserally have to be the worst, but no matter what, It will not be "Good", cause there is something not right.

The picture is one of my MR scan pictures, as you can see it is straight down my face^^

Run Lane, Run

Bad habits.
Biting nails
Not putting the toilet seat down.
Interupting when someone is speaking.

Running from your own personal issues.

That's my worst habit.
I seem to put more and more tasks on my "to-do-list" (actually, make that plural), than I am capable or designed to do in a day. School, work and house.
When I was younger it seemed so easy to play house.
"You're the baby and I am the mummy! Drink you tea, go to bed, wake up, I am going shopping, eat you broccoli, not the plate. Mummy!!! Synnøve won't play house with me any more!!"

I tend to exhaust myself into falling asleep at 7 p.m and waking up at 11. p.m to do the rest...

I am so tired of running from who I am, and most of all, who I am supposed to be.
I try my best to hide it in every way, but my energy is coming to an end.
What scares me the most is my lack onknowing wheter I am running away from myself, or running to find myself.

Peter Pan

Well I will not grow up! You cannot make me! I will banish you like Tinkerbell.

So yesterday (19. december) I turned the big 1-8. It was fun in one way, went out on the town, and good friends, but I had a little crisis.
Although I have been taking care of myself for quite some time the fact is that now you are supposed to be an adult. I went to the bank to put up a new account and I think I've found a place to move in, If only I could now find a way to earn enough money to survive.

So I had a crisis. I bough me and synnøve a dinosaur egg (that hatches in water), a tamagotchi and synnøve got a a Spiderman Bouncyball =D
I have always heard that I am very mature for my age, but now is the time when everyone expects you to be. It scares me half to death, now my life is my responsibility, and to quote Peter
Pan:
To live would be an awfully big adventure.
And.
To die would be an awfull big adventure.

Christmas Without You

Lately I have had alot of arguments, with both my mum, and biological dad (which made me realize my danish is a bit rusty). I'm so tired, I don't understand how I am supposed to go on when everytime I seem to get my life on track it rails straight back off.
I've decided to go to my grandfather for christmas, then atleast I can see my nan's grave.
I miss her so much. Without her I feel confused. I don't know what to think, feel or react, She was my guide...
This will be a horrible christmas.
Anyways, Synnove's birthday today, I'm currently living at her place and in about 17 min her whole family is coming, strange for me. My birthday will be me and some friends going out.
I also wish my nan could be her when I turn 18, but I carry her ring around my neck so in a way she is there.
I really don't like christmas.

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you
The fireplace keeps burning and my thoughts keep turning
The pages of memories of time spent with you
Old Christmas songs we knew and used to make love to
Make it hard to get used to
Christmas without you

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
I love you I miss you
So sad but so true
Christmas without you
Like a mystery with no clues
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you

I Am The Grinch

I hate christmas, I simply can't stand it.
Not only has every christmas been a reminder of how screwed up my family is, last year I did not live at home. This year seems to be going the same way, and since I obviosly don't seem to have a home at all after I turn 18 on the 19 th of december and my grandmother being dead and all. This should be the worst of them all.

I am the grinch.

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Oh, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Love is all around

That's how the song goes "Love is all around".
I have my doubts.
This is not really how my world, my reality works.
I know I am supposed to have the time of my life being a youth and all. Boyfriends, parties, carefree. Yet, it is not all it is bragged up to be, not for me anyways.
Yes, I go to parties, but boyfriends? Oh my word no! I don't really have the time, with work, family, friends, school and everything, plus the basic fact that I guess I am very conserved and won't really let anyone anywhere near me, "Step away".
I don't get feelings very often and somehow, even without knowing it I always seem to get myself dissapointed.
After everything I've been trough I have the need to refer to another song "Where is the Love?"

Change.

I think I made up my mind, If my father want to come for my 18th birthday and christmas, he is very well welcome to.
I figured that I have spent just about my whole life wishing for a relationship with my father, and now, even after 18 years, that he is reaching out a strange hand, I am not going to push it away and turn my back. I still have my doubts on wheter or not he will acutally come, but surely, this must be a risk worth taking?
I am so confused about the whole scenario, I still don't understand how we are going to make this work, But if he is determined, and I am open, that it is possible.
I also can't help to think of my other siblings on my fathers side. Are they going to grow up like I did because he finally realized that "his love-child" is open minded enough to take him back?
I need him to balance his time to his kids. If he can't be a good father to them, I sure as hell will give it all my effort to make him... Isn't one mistake big enough? Actually, two?
I have another sister, but she resents him and will not speak to him anymore, maybe she in time also will find it to forgive, but never forget? Or maybe not..she's got a new family now, as do I, but in diferent circumstances and at a younger age. The other three under the age of three, I do not know them, and thay are to young to realize the cruelty of the world.
I want to be three again.

Control-Freak.

So today I started to think about my double-moral and how I find it easy to push people away. My mind startet to cross over to another thought. Control.
When I have a bad day, and people can see it, I want them to back off untill I am ready.
When I am in a good mood (which is rarely), I don't want to struggle to keep it there.
When I need to be alone, I expect to be left alone.
When I need silence, I want silence.
The problem is, the people around me are the ones responisble in my head for giving me this. I will never tell them unless it goes to far.
This is stupid! I don't expect people to know, I just need them to. If I speak, I do what everyone tells me I always do, Push them away. But if I don't and get Upset or quitly staring into space, I also push people away.
I just need time.
Does this make me a control-freak? In that case I am so sorry!
Or is it just another sign of my Insecurity?
I started to think about how trapped in the middle of a tornado, you can't really see what is going on, but the people watching can! My Bestfriends always tell me the same things, specially inside this subject, and now, just now, I realized, They are watching my tornado spin out of control and they are telling me what is going on because they can see it so much clearer than I can.
They are my salvation. they are the guide to my serenity.
I know this text is most likely to make me seem like a mental person and probably either push people more away because I most likely frighten them, or make them feel like as if they are walking on egg shells. This is not the true meaning behinf this blog. It's true meaning is to tell my surroundings that I don't mean to! So please, just be patient with me, and eventually you will understand.

Emotionally Unavailable

Is this me?
My bestfriend told me that this is how I am, I don't give people a chance, once I acctually start to like them I push them away, and if they like me they are going straight in the "forget and move on - file".

I don't open up to people easily, it took me a couple of years before I could tell me best-friends Daniel and Synnøve " I love you". What Synnøve said about this was "That's because we are patient enough with you. We let you open up naturally and let the pieces of your puzzle fit in without force, and so did you with us"

I guess that's just it. I need my time and space. I really can't handle another embarrinsing "I love you moment" after two weeks, they don't know what love is.
Ifidel: I love you
Lane: Ehmm, How sweet, thank you
Infidel: *silence*

I don't think it is because I'm just afraid of getting hurt or afraid of being let down, dissapointed or betrayed. Yes, these are factors involved aswell, but I think it is mostly of putting yourself out there. Danger Zone.Out there where? I like it better Right Here. In My safe Zone.

Rome wasn't buildt in one day

Picture was randomly found a while ago, not sure where.

More Afraid Of Life Than Death

I can't help that it sometimes crosses my mind. I have short-time-memory problems, which is an issue enough as it is, but this senario just keeps popping into my mind.

I am standng outside in the middle of the night and looking in through my window, my lights are on inside so I can see everything perfectly.
Then the sun comes up and I can no longer see in because of the sun's reflection on the glass.

Is that my memory?

I have been thinking alot lately about the stories my grandmother used to tell me, and I just now, 4 months after her passing, realised that I no longer will hear those stories, let alone her voice. Is that strange?
I am afraid of the sun blocking my memory aswell as my view into my bedroom. I know what is there, but the details?, and then, what about the times when night-times only introduce a frosted glass? And what about when someone turns off my lights?

I once read that on healtlink that :
living in fear can be the unraveling of unity and a sense of collective purpose.
Living in fear means that we look for endless distractions that may include alcohol, drugs, unwise relationships, and excessive use of entertainment.

And I realised that I have and still am, living in fear, and I am working my way out of it.

Will I forget how along the way?

Two Evils

I'm jelous, there, I said it. Lane is jelous.
I am jelous of how others seem to live their life care-free. Either my life is insane or everybody else's is an illusion.
I am jelous of youth knowing who they are, of "perfect families", of working carefree and just living life. Others seem to live their life by living it, I live my life by surving it, or trying to at least.
Lately I've been working hard at school, too hard at work and harder at life, and I've come to realise the truth of my existance. What goes up...?
Everytime the sun seems to shine on my little island of "mental" for as much as a split second, Katrina, the storm seems to follow.
So either, I can become more of a pessimist than I am so that I can't go up (Which mean no more down), Or ignore everything, 'cause let's face it, what goes up... must come down.
I don't know what's worse though...
Dreading falling asleep caused by your haunting dreams...
Or dreading awakening caused by reality and your whole existance.

Total Breakdown

My room seems to have alot more that just 4 walls... I am standing in the pitching dark and I seem to keep hitting one after the other.
Where is the door?
My mind is just about everywhere than where it is supposed to be.
Keep thinking about Nan aswell, starting to doubt the whole existance to everything. Questioning everything around me.
Drowning myself in work and school. I need to take break soon.
My six word story, "This is it: Time For Bed"
No Hemingway.
Screaming at the wall.