Control-Freak.

So today I started to think about my double-moral and how I find it easy to push people away. My mind startet to cross over to another thought. Control.
When I have a bad day, and people can see it, I want them to back off untill I am ready.
When I am in a good mood (which is rarely), I don't want to struggle to keep it there.
When I need to be alone, I expect to be left alone.
When I need silence, I want silence.
The problem is, the people around me are the ones responisble in my head for giving me this. I will never tell them unless it goes to far.
This is stupid! I don't expect people to know, I just need them to. If I speak, I do what everyone tells me I always do, Push them away. But if I don't and get Upset or quitly staring into space, I also push people away.
I just need time.
Does this make me a control-freak? In that case I am so sorry!
Or is it just another sign of my Insecurity?
I started to think about how trapped in the middle of a tornado, you can't really see what is going on, but the people watching can! My Bestfriends always tell me the same things, specially inside this subject, and now, just now, I realized, They are watching my tornado spin out of control and they are telling me what is going on because they can see it so much clearer than I can.
They are my salvation. they are the guide to my serenity.
I know this text is most likely to make me seem like a mental person and probably either push people more away because I most likely frighten them, or make them feel like as if they are walking on egg shells. This is not the true meaning behinf this blog. It's true meaning is to tell my surroundings that I don't mean to! So please, just be patient with me, and eventually you will understand.