I Hate You For Making Me Cry

So here is something personal, and I'm not talking about the "I'll give you my dirty little secrets" kind of personal. More the kind of This is what is on my mind. Constantly.
21st of June, just over three months ago today, my beloved grandmother surrendered to the forces of cancer. Something that happens everyday, but yet, to me, so rarely.
My grandmother was all I had considering the fact that my mother and I were going trough a rough spot. It had always been my grandmother, my mother and myself in my family, not very many others involved. Three generations of "Nordbye Girls". Not to complain, we had everything that mattered, eachother.
My family was in a huge quarrel when we learned that my grandmother had gotten lung-cancer, and as if this wasn't bad enough, it spread to the the brain, and then eventually...spine.
We were all watching our beautiful flower slowly, but yet so quickly, dying. Petal by petal falling to the ground, the stem giving in under the weight of the gorgeous flower. The colours fading and blending into the earth where it stood. My Uncle, Step-Grandad, Step-Dad, Mother, Sisters and ofcourse..myself were the unfortunate audience of this tragic fairytale. The last week went very quick, and the last 2-3 days quicker.
I remember my sense of time dissapeering, what seemed like noon could be 7pm, and vica verca... Sleeping awake, and awake while i was sleeping.
The experience itself was wonderful, by the meaning that we were all gathered and we were there by her side, and yet the worst thing ever.
Hearing her lungs gasping for air, and then to a sudden stop, feeling her pulse there one second, and gone the next, and then she died, right there in my arms.
Still, the smell stings my nose, the feel of her pulse beats in my finger and i am constantly counting her breaths and pulse.
1, 2, breath, 1, 2, breath.
She was the closest thing I had to feeling alive.

I hate you for making me cry...but I love you so much more than you could ever imagine, you are my everything, this didn't break my heart...It ripped it out.
What now?

I keep dreaming of her speaking to me, and when I hear her voice I don't seem to understand that I am dreaming, and like an idiot I get up from bed and start looking for her.

"Wake up honey, It's about to time to open your eyes. Come on sweetheart, Wake up"